


Chicken Kiev for the Soul

by anonymous_moose



Series: Sizzle It Up! with Taako and Co. [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, He's only trying to help, Post-The Eleventh Hour, everyone should be nicer to ango mcdango, heavy on the sweet, light on the bitter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-07 00:35:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8776150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonymous_moose/pseuds/anonymous_moose
Summary: Taako goes through the motions. Angus tries to help. Everyone learns something, probably.





	

Taako rolled over on his cot and looked at the cat-shaped clock hanging on his bedroom wall—its eyes moved back and forth along with its tail, and the hands on its face said it was past midnight. He closed his eyes and considered casting Sleep on himself, but decided against it. That always left him cloudy the next day, and it certainly wouldn't improve his mood. Instead, he got up, threw his pajamas onto the floor (the ones with the sun that said "HOT STUFF") and changed into some real clothes.

Once he'd found his last clean purple tunic in the dresser and threw on his leggings and boots, he stepped out into the common room of the Reclaimers suite. He didn't bother turning on the lights; he had darkvision, and he wasn't planning on sticking around. With a flourish that mattered to no one but himself, Taako threw on his Cloak of the Manta Ray, donned his favorite wide-brimmed wizard hat, and walked out the door.

He could have worked in their kitchen, but it would have only annoyed him more. No, he'd worked this out days ago—only a proper full-size workspace would do.

It was chilly as he stepped out onto the quad. The Bureau was somewhere over the northern reaches at the moment, and he rubbed his hands together and blew into them as he walked down the path. There was a gentle breeze hissing through the trees as he passed. Taako cut across the center of the campus towards a dome near the edge of the quad with a glass wall. It was dark inside, like it always was. No one was up at this hour except a handful of guards, and they weren't anywhere near the common areas.

The door on the side of the dome slid open smoothly. Taako stepped inside and shut it tight behind him. He walked past the long tables with their bench seats, did a real cool slide across the counter, and hit the switch on the far wall. The lights in the cafeteria came up, too bright too fast, and he had to shut his eyes to let them adjust while he felt for the coat rack near the back door to the pantry. He hung up his cloak and hat, patted them gently, and pulled a blue-and-white apron off the hook next to them.

"Okie dokie," he mumbled to himself as he tied the back and rolled up his sleeves. "What'll we have tonight?"

* * *

 

Ninety minutes later, Taako had completed a small feast. Roasted pork with caramelized cinnamon-apple slices. Garlic mashed potatoes with cream. Stir-fried asparagus tips with scallions and ginger. Broccoli and artichoke hearts with pepper sauce. Chicken Kiev with parsley butter. And a creme brulee, just for funsies. As he finished each platter, he Mage Hand-ed them out to one of the cafeteria tables. By the end, he could have easily fed six or seven people.

He cleaned off the front of his apron with a quick piece of spellwork, then hung it up where he'd found it. He sat down at the table, surveyed his work, and took a moment to feel pleased with himself before he had to face the facts.

Taako hated wasting food. Absolutely, positively hated it. It was one thing if it was a snack, something disposable—maybe you take a bite out of a king-size peanut butter cup and you don't finish it because you have a hot date soon and you're watching your figure, so you wrap that bad boy up and save it under your bed for later. That was one thing. A cooked meal, though, something that had thought and effort and heart put into it? It cut him all the way down to his bones.

But he would chuck all this food straight down the garbage chute, just as he'd done nearly every night this week. As soon as he worked up the gumption to.

Taako rested his cheek against his hand. His half-lidded eyes drifted over his creations, then to the counter. He flicked his wrist and levitated a fork across and into his hand.

Was it safe? He'd double-checked every ingredient, and triple-checked every incantation he'd cast. He was almost entirely certain that nothing about this beautiful spread was lethal. It probably wouldn't even give him heartburn.

But was it safe?

Taako considered the fork in his hand, as he'd done the night before, and the night before that. He blinked slowly, then reached over and speared a piece of pork. It shredded easily, tender to a fault, and damn near melted in his mouth.

It tasted fine. Same as it had the night before, and the night before that.

But no one at Glamour Springs had complained about the taste.

Taako spent a few minutes picking at his food, sampling each of the dishes in turn and savoring the flavors. He glanced out the wall-size window facing the quad. There was a light fog rolling in—maybe they were passing through a low-hanging cloud—but the moon was full, and the sky was bright. He looked back towards the kitchen to his left, at the dishes he'd enchanted to wash themselves. Other than the sounds of his fork scraping the platters, and the gentle clatter of bowls and plates in the kitchen's sink, it was entirely quiet.

Taako closed his eyes and sighed gently. He was starting to feel like he could sleep again.

Then there was a knocking at the window.

He turned and saw a small shape, bundled up in a thick blue coat, red gloves, and an absolutely hideous green-and-blue plaid scarf. It waved at him, hand raising over its little cap, and then started walking towards the door.

Taako shut his eyes and pressed his head down into the heel of his palm. Of course his luck wouldn't hold forever.

"Hello, sir!" Angus said as he entered the cafeteria and closed the door behind him. His high voice was muffled by the scarf wrapped around his head.

"Hello, Agnes," Taako grumbled. "What are you doing here? Awake?"

"Well, sir, I, uh—" Angus paused, struggling to undo all the buttons on his coat. "I noticed you've been awful tired at our lessons lately, and—uh, hold on—" He pulled off the scarf first, then looked around for a coat hanger and found one near the side door. He had to stretch and jump to hang the scarf up. "I was wondering—if maybe you weren't feeling well—and then I got to thinking maybe you were doing something secret at night—" Angus tried his buttons again, fumbled, then pulled his gloves off to make the task easier. "—and I thought I might do a little stakeout by the big oak tree on the quad, but then I did some digging—" With a huff, he finally pulled off the coat, stuck the gloves in the pockets, and started trying to hang it up by the scarf. "—and I heard Avi complaining about having to make—another supply run to the surface—so soon after the last one—and the cooks were saying food was going missing—"

Taako lifted his hand and grabbed the kid's coat with a spectral hand, and hung it up for him. Angus spun around and beamed at him.

"—and I deduced that there was only one place you could be going at night!"

"Bravo, boy wonder," he said with a yawn. "Now, get lost, will ya? I'm gonna clean up in a minute and go to bed."

"Clean up?" Angus asked, looking confused as he wandered over. "But... there's still so much food left."

Taako poked at the chicken Kiev with his fork. "Yeah, I know."

Angus took a seat at the bench right next to Taako, who stared daggers at the ceiling because he knew there was no way out now. The boy rested his hands on the table and examined the food with a critical eye.

"What's wrong with it?" he asked.

"Nothing," Taako said, tapping his fork on the table. "Not that I can tell. It's all perfect."

"Then... you're not going to save it?"

"Nope."

"But—"

"Listen, pumpkin," Taako said, turning to Angus and staring him down with half-lidded eyes. "You remember that conversation we had? About the macaroons?"

The kid furrowed his brow, and the gears started visibly turning. "The macaroons you gave everyone at Candlenights... they were—"

"Hand-made. Hand-cooked." Taako spun his fork under one finger. "Au naturale."

"And all of this isn't."

"Hell no, my dude. How else would I get all this done in like an hour?"

Angus stared down at the table, stroking his chin with thumb and forefinger. Taako would have made fun of him for looking so serious if he didn't want out of this conversation as soon as possible.

"If you think it's so dangerous you don't want anyone to eat it," he asked, looking up, "why make it at all?"

Aye, there was the rub, if Taako knew what a 'rub' was other than something to apply to a slab of meat. He wished he could just Blink away from this whole conversation and go back to bed, but he knew that Angus would follow him. The stupid kid wouldn't leave it alone until he got an answer he was satisfied with, and he was smart enough to see through Taako's best horseshit. Might as well tear the band-aid off now.

"You know how I messed up and turned a bunch of food into a bunch of not-food? And that a bunch of people ate that not-food, and got to be real not-alive anymore?"

Angus nodded solemnly.

"Well," Taako drawled, "turns out it wasn't me. Someone else poisoned that food."

Angus blinked. "But—but sir, that's great news! You didn't do anything wrong!"

"Yeah, right? Great news." Taako giggled quietly. "No blame here, no siree. Best possible timeline for Taako."

They sat there quietly. Angus didn't prompt him, but Taako felt him staring. He sighed, exasperated, and took a bite of the potatoes. Too much pepper, he noted, not enough salt. Then he tried the creme brulee again—the custard was cooling too fast. Maybe a small enchantment, something to slow entropy, cut the heat loss...

"I just can't do it," he said. "I've thought about cooking every night since we got back from Refuge, but every time I go to offer, I just... can't. I can whip up something the hard way, sure, I can cook the shit out of some cookies or scones or what have you, but the thought of using my magic again like this, and feeding it to people? It gives me palpitations."

Angus was quiet. Taako didn't look at him. He'd never appreciated pity.

"Doesn't make any sense, right?" he said, with a weak smile.

"I don't think it has to, sir."

Taako tapped the tines of his fork on the table. Off to his left, he heard the dishes in the sink go silent.

"I dunno. Maybe—maybe I could feed strangers again. But not people who... who matter."

"But you eat it."

Taako glanced over. Angus looked worried, verging on upset. Taako shrugged, smirked, and gave him a wink.

"I live like I'm dyin', bubbeleh."

* * *

They sat in silence for a few minutes while Angus stared at his hands in his lap and Taako lazily sampled his night's work. He checked the clock on the far wall—just past two thirty—and started to stand up from his seat.

"Come on, Agnes, make yourself useful," he said, gathering up the roast pork. "It's late and I need my beauty sleep."

He walked over to the garbage chute off to the side of the cafeteria and opened it. With a quick shake and slide, the pork went the way of Tuesday's faux-continental breakfast. (A bran muffin and orange juice with pulp? What did they think he was, an animal?) When he looked back, Angus was at his side with the potatoes.

"Sir, there's one question I have left," he said as Taako took the dish from his hands. "Why come down here at night to cook in secret? I'm sure you could get permission from the Director, or cook in your room."

"Excuse me?" Taako pointed at the potatoes. "Did you smell this shit? The moment they learn I'm cooking again, I'll never hear the end of it. I'll have to beat them off with a stick!"

Angus sniffed. "It does smell awfully good."

"Damn straight. That's how we do."

Taako marched back to the table and grabbed the chicken Kiev. This one was rough—he'd spent years figuring out how to bake it just right with arcane fire and transmutation, and it was still one of his favorite dishes. But there was nothing else to do.

"Besides," he said idly, talking to distract himself from the crime against cuisine he was committing, "I've been having trouble sleeping. As dumb as this is? It helps."

A reminder of better days, he thought. Though how much better was becoming hard to define.

Taako (reluctantly, mournfully) dumped the dish into the garbage chute and shut the lid. Then he turned, and saw Angus standing by the table, holding an asparagus tip in his palm, and before Taako could say anything, he threw it in his mouth.

His arm flew up, and a spectral blue hand wrapped itself around Angus' face, pressing on his cheeks.

"Spit it out," Taako said, urgently. "Right now, Angus."

Instead, Angus visibly swallowed.

Taako lowered his arm and the hand disappeared. He stomped over to the boy and grabbed his shoulders. "What is your fucking damage?" he said, shaking him. "Why the hell did you do that?!"

"B—Because I believe in you, sir," Angus said meekly, but still meeting his gaze.

Taako felt his knees buckle, and he let himself sink to the floor. He stared at the ground, his mind racing—he could stick his fingers down his throat, make him gag it up, but that might not do it, not if it was something real mean, real nasty, he should get a healer, did they even have one up here who knew about poisons—and then he saw something in Angus's hand.

The boy quickly shifted his hands behind his back. Taako looked up. "What's in your hand?"

"Nothing!" Angus said, too fast.

Taako removed his hands from his shoulders. "Hands out or I swear to god I'm breaking your wand in half."

Angus hesitated for all of one and a half seconds before he thrust his hands out. There was a single asparagus tip in his right hand. Taako felt an ocean's worth of tension flood off his shoulders and he lifted himself off the floor and back onto the bench seat, eyes closed and head tilted back.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I thought, y'know, if you thought I had eaten something and was okay, it would help you get over this hump, and then you wouldn't have to worry so much, or be tired all the time, but I didn't really think it through all the way and I just sort of went with my gut and I'm really sorry!" Angus rambled until he ran out of breath and then inhaled sharply.

Taako ran a hand over his face. Then he opened his eyes. "Wait a minute," he said, looking at Angus. "You just tried to pull a fast one on me."

"Well, uh. I—I guess—kinda."

Taako reached over and rubbed his head, a bit too hard. "That's my boy," he said proudly, and finished by yanking that schoolboy cap down over his eyes. Taako sighed with relief while Angus righted his hat, and then asked, "You were really willing to lie to me to get me over this? What if I was right? What if I laid out a spread and the whole Bureau wound up coughing up their stomach linings?"

"Oh, I knew that wouldn't happen, sir," said Angus. "I wasn't lying when I said I believe in you."

"But not enough to eat that asparagus."

The boy detective froze, then looked away sheepishly. "Well, I mean... I didn't know how upset you'd be so..." He rubbed the back of his head. "If you were freaking out real bad, I could just show you I didn't really eat it. I mean, you said I should always have an egress out of a situation, right? So—"

Taako got down onto his knees again and pulled Angus into a tight hug. He felt the boy freeze against him, then wrap his arms as much as he could around his back.

"That's my boy," Taako said again, a little softer.

He felt Angus's back hitch beneath him, and heard him sniff loudly. He did them both the courtesy of ignoring these things, and let him calm down before he pulled away.

"So listen," said Taako, who had trouble maintaining eye contact after an explicit display of affection. "I'm gonna get in trouble if I keep this up too much longer. How about... I dunno, some cooking lessons on top of the magic? Maybe a little of the old-fashioned stuff will help me relax."

Angus looked over the moon. Quite literally. "Do you really mean it?!"

"Do I ever say anything I don't mean, pumpkin?"

"Well—"

"That was a rhetorical question." Taako poked a finger into Angus's sternum. "But you have to promise that you won't ever mix and match the two, okay?"

Angus nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, sir, absolutely!"

"I mean it, Ango. Don't cross the streams."

"I promise!"

"It would be bad."

"Uh-huh!"

Taako lowered his finger and sighed. He was now officially exhausted. "Alright, I think that's enough for tonight. Let's finish cleaning up."

Angus ran back and forth from the table, shoveling twice as much food down the chute as Taako did. As Taako prepared to chuck the whole ramekin of creme brulee down the chute, he paused and looked at Angus.

"Does this just get dumped out the bottom?" he asked. "Or is there, like, an incinerator or something?"

Angus looked at the chute, then back at Taako. He shrugged.

"Well, out of sight, out of mind," Taako mumbled, tossing the ramikin down the chute and dusting off his hands. "Forget about the platters, just throw 'em in the sink. The lunch-lady can deal with it."

"Actually, I think Leon runs the cafeteria on Fridays, sir—"

"Yeah, whatever," Taako said, waving a hand over his shoulder as he grabbed his hat and cloak. After he threw them on, he grabbed Angus's coat and held it out for him. As the boy wrapped his awful scarf around his face, Taako decided he'd have to get him something less ghastly by next Candlenights. No special reason, he just couldn't be seen with someone wearing plaid, that's all.

The kid looked up and smiled at him, and Taako rolled his eyes as he turned off the light. He opened the door, and paused.

"Hey, Angus?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Thanks."

Angus said nothing. Probably because he was on the verge of tears again.

"But if you tell anyone about this, I'm chucking you off the edge."

"Yes, sir."

Taako closed the door behind them, and they left in silence.

He didn't have much trouble sleeping after that.


End file.
